beyondblue Cup series: How to start the conversation

beyondblue Cup series: How to start the conversation

In the second part of our mental health awareness series, Georgia Briggs takes a look at the importance of having the confidence to start a conversation. One of the toughest parts of mental health is starting a conversation about it. This goes both ways, in that it takes a lot of courage for someone to speak up and say they have a problem, but it takes almost as much to be on the other end of that conversation, asking someone if they’re okay or trying to do your best to help a friend or family member who is struggling.

There is no perfect art to this, just like some people are more extroverted than others or some people don’t like swearing, a conversation regarding someone’s mental health differs from person to person and relationship to relationship. It’s all well and good to say “you sit the person down and have a good long chat about it”, but if you’ve never had a serious conversation with that person in your life (because you’re both too hilarious for that) then why would you approach it that way? Silly.

Therefore, like all smart and thoughtful people, you would gauge the situation and the surroundings. If you’re opening up to someone, or you want to ask someone about their health, it is likely you care about them and have a personal relationship with them. Use that and make all people in the conversation feel as comfortable as possible with the necessary, but probably uncomfortable, conversation.

However, there are some important things to remember generally when having a conversation with someone about mental health:

• Just ASK. If it’s a stranger, they may not open up quite as easily, if it’s a loved one, they still might be a tough cookie, but asking is the first step to opening up and understanding.
   
• Choose a time that you are both free to talk and comfortable with your surroundings. Clearly a work break in the lunch room is not the time to ask someone about their mental health.
   
• Keep relaxed body language and remain engaged. Use eye contact to let them know you’re listening.
   
• Use open ended questions to progress the conversation and allow the person to feel open to telling you more about how they are feeling.
   
• Let them steer conversation. Ask questions, but do not push them to talk about things if they don’t want to. Ask, if they say they don’t want to talk about that yet, then accept it.
   
• Not all depression, in fact statistically a small percentage, leads to suicide. Do not assume that if someone is telling you that they have some symptoms of depression, or even that they have been diagnosed with depression, that they are therefore contemplating suicide. In fact, that’s pretty much the opposite of what they are doing considering their opening up about it and hopefully planning to (or are already) seek help. There’s no need to talk about suicide unless they bring it up.
   
• Be simple. You don’t need to solve all their problems. They just want you as a support, you should feel flattered that they trust you enough to tell you what they’re struggling with. All you need to do is ask if they want to talk about it, or if you can help. If they say no, accept that, and trust in your relationship that if they were comfortable enough and believe in you enough to tell you in the first place, they’ll tell you when they want to talk or need assistance.
   
• People with anxiety or depression can’t just “snap out of it”. If someone trusts you enough to disclose their struggles, refrain from saying things like “are you sure you’re not just having a rough patch”. You wouldn’t know what they feel. When was the last time someone said they were excited about something and you said “are you sure you really feel that way?”
   
• Depression and anxiety are illnesses and should be treated as such. Recommend that your friend or family member see a doctor for their mental health. While you can be a good confidant and support person, you’re not a doctor, you can’t fix it. It’s the difference between wrapping a rolled ankle and fixing a broken arm, a different level of skill and expertise is required.
   
• People in treatment for their mental health will often have a Mental Health Plan. This assists them in understanding their particular issues surrounding mental health. If they have one, it is likely that they are in a position to help themselves to move forward, and will be able to tell you about their understanding of their conditions, the things that have a positive impact on it and those that have a negative one. If they don’t have a Plan yet, then again, suggest they see a doctor to help them.
   
• Just because you’re not a doctor doesn’t mean you cannot help at all. Go to the beyondblue website and find out more information as to how you can help someone with a mental illness.
   
• All depression and anxiety is different and people experience it in different ways. Please, do not compare stories, symptoms or paths to recovery, either to other people you know or for god sake, television shows.
   
• This is not a “put a band aid on it” type of illness or injury. It takes time to make a full recovery and sometimes the recovery can go backwards. Be patient and don’t put time periods on their pathway such as “you’ve been seeing a doctor for a year now… aren’t you better”. No. If they’d broken their back and been seeing a physio for a year would you expect them to be running up any hills yet?
   
• Each person will have personal “stressors” or “triggers”. These are particular situations or things that will compound their illness more than others. A common one people will assume is that people with anxiety will have issues with large social situations. This is common because it’s correct, but that is not the extent of it. Don’t hesitate to, politely and calmly, ask a loved one with a mental illness what their trigger points are, so that you too can be aware of them.
   
• Along with “stressors” and “triggers” comes the remedy for same. Again, each person will be different and require different assistance to manage these issues. ASK THEM what they are. Do not assume you know how to solve it. Some people will want to be alone, for others that will be the last thing they want. Some people will want to leave the situation entirely, others may just need a breather outside.
   
• Focus on the positive. When someone has a bad break up, or losses their job, they often don’t want to talk about it, as it’s a negative thing in their mind. We, as friends or family, often take it upon ourselves to ‘distract’ them with better things. While mental illness should never be ignored, like everyone, people with anxiety or depression want to do the things they love… because it makes them happy! So go for a walk with them, go shopping, watch the footy, play video games, paint nails, do the gardening. Whatever it is, encourage them to do the things that they enjoy.
   
• Keeping connected is important. Encourage your loved one to attend social gatherings as much as possible. It may be tough for them, but it will help their progress. Do not FORCE them to join, but also be warm and inviting to social situations and remind them that if they come and they’re not having a nice time, they can go home.

If you think that yourself or someone you care about might have depression or anxiety, or are exhibiting traits of same, seek help. Start the conversation. Progress the understanding. There is significant information on the beyondblue website, or contact your GP for further assistance. 

No one with depression or anxiety (or anything else for that matter) wants to be left alone. No one is angry when a friend or family member asks if they’re okay, because they know it’s because you care. Asking that first question, or acknowledging your illness out loud could be the most important thing you ever did.